Turning profound loss into greater good

19 February 2024

The loss of her son, Xavier, spurred first-time mum, Ann-Maree Imrie, to speak openly about her experience and advocate for stillbirth awareness and prevention. Ann-Maree spoke to the CEC in the lead up to her keynote presentation on 20 February at the Every Week Counts conference.

“Xavier’s little life has value … so it’s important that I share it, and hopefully help along the way.”

Ann-Maree Imrie, Speaker, Every Week Counts

You are a keynote speaker delivering a personal account at Every Week Counts, a conference hosted by the CEC for doctors, midwives, nurses, and other professionals, to address issues affecting pregnancy, including preterm births, early births and stillbirth. Kindly share your experience.

I am a mother to three beautiful boys – the first of whom was stillborn in January 2015. His name is Xavier, and he was my introduction to parenthood. While most journeys into new parenthood can be a little bumpy and unsettling, my experience was life-changing.

I had a very healthy, uneventful pregnancy, and I fully expected to bring my baby home. But six-and-a-half months in, I noticed reduced movement, and went to the hospital for a check-up. Even in that moment, I fully expected to bring my baby home safely. I certainly wasn’t prepared to hear that our baby had died in utero, and I would need to be induced to give birth.

The day Xavier was born is the most sacred moment of my life. I knew humans could hold differing emotions simultaneously, but I had no idea just how many! When the midwife placed my son on my chest for the first time, I felt overwhelming love, pride, devastation, anger, awe, fascination, despair, wonder … and the list goes on.

Since his arrival nine years ago, Xavier has been my biggest teacher, one of my greatest loves, and my motivation for the work I do in the stillbirth space. I am proud to be his mum.

You have since worked with the Stillbirth Centre of Research Excellence to help improve clinical care to prevent stillbirth and influence the care available to parents after stillbirth. Why is this advocacy role important to you?

As a qualified social worker, I have always had a passion for supporting others and influencing change. Becoming a bereaved parent only further ignited that passion and instilled a drive to be vocal in the stillbirth space.

On a personal level, it helps me feel like I am doing something useful – that I am part of a group working towards a different future. I believe Xavier’s little life has value whether I’m part of this work or not. However, life handed me this experience, so it’s important that I share it, and hopefully help along the way.

What are the most important messages for you to impart to clinicians on occasions such as this conference?

Choosing a career in the pregnancy space is all about new life. You don’t come into it, expecting to have conversations about death. It’s confronting and messy and uncomfortable. But that is the human experience. And being of service to humans, means you need to serve the whole experience, including the hard parts. It means, getting comfortable with discomfort, and learning ways to gently initiate the subject of stillbirth with pregnant women.

I know it’s hard. And what I would say is this: don’t work towards perfection. Work towards connection. Consider how you can best connect with your patients, to build a sense of trust, that in turn allows space for the hard conversations about stillbirth risks and prevention.

Conversely, tell us what you would like parents embarking on their pregnancy journey to learn from you?

I know you want to focus on a positive, healthy outcome for you and your baby. And you should certainly do that … alongside being open to information that may be useful if something unexpected happens.

There are still pregnancy myths floating around that can be dangerous, so I would gently urge you to learn what is expected in pregnancy, what may be cause for concern, and the proven ways you can actively reduce your risk of stillbirth.

Knowledge is power. Seek information from trusted, reliable sources. Read about pregnancy and the development of your baby. Ask questions of your healthcare professionals and learn what may help you to have a pregnancy that is safer for you and your baby.

What advice do you have for parents who have experienced the loss of a child as a result of stillbirth?

Just breathe. I know the pain is immense. And there will be many challenging moments across this lifetime of grief - ones you won’t always know how to handle. Please understand, it matters less how you respond, and far more how you care for yourself in these moments. Hold self-compassion. Your love for your baby is not up for debate. Try to surround yourself with people who are gentle with your broken heart.